Kids' parties are hell on earth but may be the cure to the world's ills | Emily Mulligan

"Since then his birthdays have become about him and his friends and the quality of the event has spiralled precipitously. These days, with two kids out in society, kids' birthday parties dominate our family's schedule. Barely a weekend goes by without a scramble to find a gift that's appropriate, I'm getting increasingly desperate for some form of wrapping apparatus, and I have long given up on cards."

"When we arrive at a party, the gorging begins. I consider myself on the chill end of the spectrum yet even I can feel the teeth deterioration from across the room. The only thing worse than this is a sugar-free event, which should be a reportable offence. The most gastronomically memorable kid's party I attended had a coffee cart for the parents. I'll probably never know a joy like that for the rest of my days."

"What chance do they have when they're surrounded by self-conscious, tired parents making conversation with all the ease of undergoing a pap smear. How are the little ones supposed to learn social graces when their role models are trying to make small talk with parents they don't know from a bar of soap and who screech Oi! mid-sentence to break up a dispute or get their kids out of a tree."

A first birthday celebrated at a pub with seventy attendees featured drinks, meals, balloons and singing and focused on the parent. Subsequent birthdays shifted to child-centred events with escalating expectations for quality and entertainment. With two children, weekends are filled with constant party invitations, last-minute gift hunts, wrapping desperation and abandoned greeting cards. Parties involve heavy sugary consumption that raises dental concerns, while sugar-free events provoke resentment. Some parents prize amenities like a coffee cart for adults. Children's interactions at parties are manic and brief, with exhausted kids removed by caregivers. Parent social awkwardness undermines role-modeling, and demand for larger parties continues to rise.

Read at www.theguardian.com