The author reflects on their journey through literature, particularly the impact of Joris-Karl Huysmans' À Rebours since childhood. Initially, the book provided an escape into solitude and sensory indulgence, allowing them to explore aesthetics deeply. From a small town in California, they found resonance in the dense, archaic language of the book, which prominently influenced their path to Parisian cultural aesthetics. Their father's literary influence and challenging personality shaped their engagement with literature, highlighting a complex relationship with their upbringing.
Rereading it now, as an adult, comparing it to what it meant to me when I was younger, I thought, oh God, I totally get this. This was giving me an excuse to be isolated and solitary and moody and to completely indulge in my senses.
Just the rapture of it, the indulgence in beauty, wallowing like a pig in it - that was what was so compelling about it.
I mean, I knew that I could appreciate that kind of literature, that kind of aesthetic, but I never aspired to participate or connect with it, or even to visit Paris.
I also found Proust - I skimmed it for the dirty parts. I don't know how I even knew there were dirty parts.
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