"Real repair happens when partners are willing to try something new-intentional and different from what they've always done. That's the heart of Experiment, the fourth step in our PACER model of relationship repair, as described in our book Love. Crash. Rebuild. This is where insight turns into action. It's where couples begin practicing the new behaviors that allow trust to slowly grow again."
"When couples are beginning to heal from a rupture-especially one involving disappointment or a breach of trust-the thing they often want most is certainty. They want a promise that the hurt won't happen again, that trust can be patched quickly, and that their relationship will go back to feeling safe and familiar. The trouble is, certainty is almost never available in the early stages of repair."
After a rupture involving disappointment or breached trust, partners often seek certainty, promises, and a return to safety. Certainty is rarely available early in the repair process; understanding and apologies do not automatically produce change, and promises can break down when old habits re-emerge. Real repair requires intentional experimentation with new behaviors, moving insight into action through the Experiment step of the PACER model. Practicing alternative, specific behaviors allows trust to be rebuilt slowly. The example of Kim and Calvin shows that repeated conversations and apologies without behavior change leave one partner feeling betrayed and unsafe.
Read at Psychology Today
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