"Competence is a highly desirable trait and an important one for healthy functioning adulthood. When it goes unchecked, however, it can become a defense. Being on top of everything can bring on a false sense of invincibility. This there-is-no-problem-I-can't-solve framework leads to difficulty being present, sitting with difficult emotions, and being vulnerable."
"When they do come together, it is mostly to talk about logistics with the kids or to troubleshoot and problem-solve the various issues in their household. They are dependable and truly a team in running their life together. At the same time, they are recognizing something important is missing."
"Their goal-directed productivity helped Jayla and Mark give their kids the kind of stability they never had. At the same time, hyperfunctioning can go into overdrive, becoming the only connection in the relationship."
High-functioning couples often develop strong bonds through shared achievement and productivity, but this competence-focused approach can become a defense mechanism that undermines intimacy. When partners prioritize problem-solving and logistics over emotional connection, relationships risk becoming transactional rather than intimate. This pattern frequently stems from childhood experiences with instability, where goal-directed productivity provided security. Over time, hyperfunctioning becomes the primary mode of connection, leaving partners feeling disconnected despite external success. Emotional vulnerability and presence get sacrificed for efficiency and control, creating a business-like dynamic that lacks the emotional depth necessary for true intimacy.
Read at Psychology Today
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