"She's told me that I make her feel the same way he did, but we've only been together for a few months. So, our relationship doesn't have the same depth, and our connection can't be compared. The issue is this: whenever we share a moment that is similar to something they once shared - a holiday moment or an inside joke or us having sex - she is triggered into overwhelming grief."
"If she can't buy a tree with you, share a joke with you, or have sex with you (!) without collapsing into grief about her ex, she isn't ready to be anyone's "partner." She's not ready for a new boyfriend. This woman isn't in good working order, GRIEF, and you can't help her. Zooming out for a second: Using "partner" to describe someone you just started seeing is a bad idea. Take GRIEF: he's only been seeing his new girlfriend for a few months."
She remains emotionally attached to her ex after a decade-long relationship and a two-year separation following a betrayal so severe it would land many people in jail. She rationalizes the betrayal as a symptom of his "illness" and at times excuses his actions. Moments that echo the former relationship — holidays, inside jokes, or sex — trigger overwhelming grief and cause her current partner to feel insecure about their future. The current relationship lacks the depth of the prior one. The new partner recognizes that she is not ready to be a committed partner and that the relationship is in an early, fragile phase.
Read at Portland Mercury
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