The Black Hole of the Demanding Perfectionist

"Children can be, and usually are, demanding. A parent may recall their fussy child's tantrums over a particular meal or toy, remembering the challenge of getting it just right. Children expect, and rightfully so, their parents to know what's good for them, even when they don't know themselves. Ultimately, it's the parent's responsibility to calm, which all of us accept as the natural state of things."

"Sometimes, these perfectionists hold others to high but articulated standards. So, you'd have some understanding of what you're supposed to do, think, or even look like in certain settings. They're rigid and uncompromising, but at least known. Yet, at others, the perfectionist expects you to "figure it out." Together, these standards are about managing the perfectionist's poorly regulated emotions. They struggle with feeling out of control, feelings of worthlessness and unlovability."

Other-oriented perfectionists place high and often unreasonable expectations on others, sometimes without clear communication. Children exemplify dependency by expecting caregivers to know and provide what they need. These perfectionists use demanding behavior to regulate poorly controlled emotions and to ward off feelings of worthlessness, unlovability, and impostor fear. Partners who are self-oriented perfectionists often take responsibility for fulfilling those demands, especially when expectations are clear. Rigid, articulated standards coexist with implicit expectations to “figure it out,” creating relational dynamics where one person's emotional regulation depends on another's labor and compliance.

Read at Psychology Today