This is how we do it: Over 30 years, our spark has dimmed in difficult times, but we've always got it back'

"Because I haven't slept with anybody else for decades, my sexual skills don't feel transferable; they are specific to Lisa Lisa and I met at university in 1996, when we were 19. Since I've known her, she's grown from a willowy teenager into a middle-aged woman and I've become a middle-aged man with a belly and a bad back. But a 30-year relationship isn't about how you look."

"I snore, so we don't sleep in the same bed, meaning sex has become less spontaneous. We have to schedule it, or Lisa might say: Let's turn the telly off and go to bed. A look is often enough. Lisa has a double bed in the main bedroom, whereas I have a single bed in the attic, so we have sex in her bed. Or sometimes I'll lead her to another room in the house, like the bathroom, and we'll do it in the shower."

"For me, intimacy is reserving a space for someone, whether that's a bedroom or an emotion, beyond the perimeter that you put up for the rest of the world, because you trust them. I see myself as part of a whole, a bigger picture. I haven't lost sight of myself within that picture, but it's not just me, it's us."

He met Lisa at university in 1996 when they were 19. He has not slept with anyone else for decades, and his sexual skills feel specific to her. Over thirty years they have aged, yet sex, though less frequent, has become higher quality and more meaningful. He snores and sleeps in a single attic bed while Lisa uses the double in the main bedroom, so sex requires scheduling and often happens in her bed or the shower. They have three children aged six, 15 and 17 and avoid sex when the children are awake. Intimacy means reserving a private physical and emotional space and seeing himself as part of a shared whole.

Read at www.theguardian.com