Why 69 Percent of Couples' Conflict Will Never Go Away

"Couples often interpret this recurrence as a sign of deeper incompatibility. They grapple with questions such as, "Are we missing something?" "Are we doing this wrong?" Or even, "Why can't we fix this?" Psychological research offers a different, strangely reassuring perspective: 69 percent of relationship conflicts are perpetual. This finding, emerging from decades of longitudinal data from studies by John Gottman, is one of the most replicated insights in relationship science. Despite its slightly grim-sounding premise, it contains a powerful truth."

"These appear to be practical, very discreet, and easily solvable issues. Yet, a litany of research consistently shows that these surface-level topics are rarely the true source of tension. A recent observational study of 141 couples published in Frontiers in Psychology found that partners' emotional reactions during conflict were driven not by the task or topic itself, but rather by the underlying relational need being threatened."

Most recurring relationship conflicts are perpetual: about 69 percent of conflicts reoccur. Surface-level disagreements about chores, money, parenting, sex, punctuality, or in-law visits often mask deeper relational needs. Emotional reactions during conflict reflect which relational need feels threatened rather than the topic itself. Autonomy frustration—feeling controlled or restricted—elicits disengaging emotions such as anger and irritation. Relatedness frustration—feeling disconnected or unsupported—elicits engaging emotions such as hurt and sadness. Recognizing which underlying need is at stake shifts responses and reduces the expectation that every recurring disagreement must be solved like a practical problem.

Read at Psychology Today