Humiliation upon humiliation for the Melster in front of half-full Tory crowd | John Crace

"The unbearable lightness of the Tory party conference. A place where nothing ever happens. Where dreams come to die. Where the only joy to be found is in the possibility of forgetting. Oblivion is the hottest ticket on offer. Above all else, a microverse of infinite sadness and suffering. The banners around the conference compound carry the catchy slogan Stronger economy. Stronger borders. They should say Abandon hope, all ye who enter here."

"A colleague asked the guard whether this was the media entrance. He replied: It's anyone's. It's so quiet in there. I've been to busier dinner parties. You can't help feeling that the security is there to stop people leaving, rather than keeping the unwanted out. Inside the complex there is almost nothing going on. The exhibitors' hall a ghost town. All the Tories have to offer is some Winston Churchill and Margaret Thatcher tat. It's like entering a time warp."

"Ask if there's any Kemi Badenoch merchandise and you get a shrug of the head. Nah, mate. We've left that back at the warehouse. This is the only stuff that sells. All around there is just bewilderment. No one seems quite sure exactly why they have come. Mostly out of habit or because they are in the shadow cabinet and are rather obliged to make an appearance. Either way, it's four days of misery for everyone concerned."

The conference compound projects a sense of abandonment and melancholy beneath slogans like Stronger economy. Stronger borders. The venue feels eerily quiet, with security that seems aimed at preventing departures. Exhibitor halls are underpopulated and merchandise leans on Churchill and Thatcher nostalgia rather than present leadership. Attendance appears routine or obligatory for many, producing four days of misery and a pervasive stench of decay. Fringe events reveal boredom, exemplified by a trivial interviewer question about fighting a horse-sized duck. Prominent figures are portrayed as politically unmoored or loyal followers lacking clear convictions.

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