"In traditional 12 Step addiction recovery, participants are asked to find a way to believe in some form of spirituality or "Higher Power" (HP). I wondered about the existence of "God" during my pattern of sexual acting out. Was God there when I was looking at porn, going to massage parlors, or hiring sex workers? Was God there condoning my behaviors? Was God compassionate towards my plight?"
"Crime in our neighborhood was rampant, and fear was the common theme. Our parents worked nights at Chinese restaurants, and we had to fend for ourselves without adult supervision. I learned early on to distract myself through fantasy and finding things I could do compulsively. It started innocently enough: endless hours playing with Star Wars Action Figures, watching television, or playing basketball by myself. Department store catalogs also offered a refuge from those bleak circumstances."
A man in 12-Step recovery questions God's presence and compassion during his sexual acting out, including pornography use, massage parlors, and hiring sex workers. He wonders whether God condoned his actions or cared about potentially trafficked women. He grew up as a Chinese immigrant in a poor, predominantly Black neighborhood with rampant crime, parental nighttime work, and lack of supervision. He developed coping mechanisms of fantasy and compulsive behaviors, finding refuge in toys, television, basketball, and department store catalogs. Early exposure to distorted pornography on scrambled cable further transfixed him and reinforced secrecy and shame.
Read at Psychology Today
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