Ordinary, taken-for-granted contexts shape emotional life as profoundly as major events. The recognition that caregivers offer during distress calibrates lifelong vulnerability or resilience to suffering. Small, repeated omissions of acknowledgment from close others create subtle wounds that, when reopened over time, define the emotional environment. A childhood incident of a parent's dismissive response to a child's upset exemplifies how banal interactions can leave lasting effects. Awareness of these routine patterns—like the water around fish—reveals how linguistic, behavioral, and relational habits invisibly organize expectations and emotional regulation across development.
In David Foster Wallace's thought-provoking parable, two young fish are swimming along when an older fish passes by and says, "Morning, boys. How's the water?" The two young fish keep swimming. After a while, one turns to the other and asks, "What the hell is water?" The point of the parable is simple but profound: It's easy to overlook the elements that hold our world together, because they're woven into our routines, our language, our expectations of others and ourselves.
As a clinical psychologist and attachment researcher, I study the often-overlooked reality of how the acknowledgment we receive from caregivers in times of distress shapes our lifelong vulnerability-or resilience -to suffering. This is the water we swim in. My Water When I was about nine years old, I was playing backgammon with my best friend - one of those games where luck plays as big a role as skill.
I rolled double sixes-which meant I was about to win the game-and started jumping up and down with joy. But my friend insisted it was a six and a five. That one-point difference would have cost me the game. We argued back and forth. I got frustrated and told him to leave. I couldn't contend with the fact that my best friend didn't believe me-didn't acknowledge what I was certain I had seen.
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