A parent describes frustration with a tween’s frequent “I don’t know” responses when asked about dinner, clothing, plans, or future electives. The behavior is not tied to attitude or misbehavior. A clinician explains that “I don’t know” is often less about confusion and more about avoiding exposure: choosing reveals preferences that can be judged, rejected, or considered wrong. Even low-stakes choices can feel risky if the teen expects disapproval, such as wanting cereal for dinner. Higher-stakes decisions feel more public, and social environments can increase the fear of being seen as not fitting in.
"“'I don't know' is usually less about not knowing and more about not wanting to be caught knowing,” Arielle Bailkin, LCSW, tells me. “Choosing exposes you. Once a teen picks something, they've revealed a preference - and preferences can be judged, rejected, or wrong. The freeze is often risk management, not confusion.”"
"“It makes sense. Even the smallest thing, like saying 'I don't know' to a dinner choice, could mean that they don't want to tell you what they really want - a bowl of cereal - because they know you'll balk and say, 'We can't have cereal for dinner!' (You totally can, trust me.) Even in the lowest of stakes, this 'I don't know' can be a protective force.”"
"“Bailkin says that kids have tons of things to choose from at this age, as well. 'The stakes scale with how public the decision feels. Picking a lunch spot is low exposure. Choosing a class or joining a club is a statement about who you are and where you belong - and in competitive social environments, th”"
Read at Scary Mommy
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