"But having worked with many struggling adult children and their parents, I have repeatedly seen that internally, these adult children are battling a corrosive, self-defeating belief: I'm behind. I have disappointed everyone. If I try and fail again, it confirms my biggest fear that I am a total failure. When parents take it all on and respond with urgency, problem-solving, reminders, comparisons, threats, concern-laden advice, it just fuels the adult child's feelings of shame."
"If you are the parent of a struggling adult child, like many of those whom I coach, you may be asking yourself the following questions: Did I push him too hard? Should I push harder? Am I enabling or abandoning? What is painful for so many parents at this stage is not just watching them struggle. It is the feeling that nothing you do can seem to help anymore?"
Many adult children who appear unwilling or stalled are internally battling corrosive shame and the belief that they are behind and irreparably disappointing others. Visible behaviors include delayed launch, failure to seek work or school, unfinished plans, and emotional withdrawal. Parental urgency, problem-solving, reminders, comparisons, and threats often amplify that shame and reinforce shutdown, stalling, or defensiveness. Shame creates fear of trying and failing, making action seem riskier than inaction. Restoring emotional safety and allowing agency creates space for gradual re-engagement. Stepping back can reduce shame, offer emotional safety, and encourage responsibility without coercion.
Read at Psychology Today
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