#shame

#shame

This has been true of every one of the more than 3,000 enrollees in our Love without Hurt boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse. For one partner, fear (of isolation or deprivation) is a core vulnerability, while shame (dread of failure and inadequacy as a partner, provider, lover, or parent) is the core vulnerability of the other. Both vulnerabilities are dreadful to both partners, but they differ in what is most terrible.

Indeed, our most painful and vivid memories are often of experiences in which we were humiliated by or in front of others. Embarrassment can lead to shame and self-loathing. It can diminish our confidence, shake us from our sense of certainty, and cause the kind of repression that expresses itself in all types of neuroses. When we feel embarrassed, we want to avoid others and conceal that of which we are ashamed.

For children in foster care, safety is only part of healing. Many carry an invisible burden of shame that comes from being separated from their families of origin. Unlike guilt, which says "I did something bad," shame whispers " I am bad." Over time, this whisper weaves into identity, so that making a mistake feels like proof of worthlessness rather than an opportunity to learn.

To read Frederic Gros's A Philosophy of Shame is to be reminded of how vulnerable we are to the emotion's inhibitions and agonies. We shame, we are ashamed, and we expend significant energy imagining shameful situations so we might avoid them. Shame makes us vulnerable to humiliation and ruin, and provides a method by which we can humiliate and ruin others. The cycle is often self-perpetuating: shame begets shaming.

Shame is an inhibitory emotion on the Change Triangle, the tool that teaches us about emotions. Shame is an emotion designed to keep us from acting in ways that get us banished from the people and groups we need, like our family, peer groups, religious groups, and communities. But when we grew up in environments that harshly punished us for our mistakes, shame tells us to keep our mistakes hidden, lest we "pay the price." That's how shame blocks accountability.

Self-distrust often stems from shame rather than a lack of ability, leading individuals to continuously doubt their financial decisions and capabilities.

Oscar Wilde's influence looms large in Cutthroat, with lead singer Charlie Steen reflecting on the paradoxical nature of life: 'Life's far too important to be taken seriously.'