A family tradition of hosting holiday meals passed to a cousin who organized celebrations but skipped hosting in 2023 and 2024 after COVID and her mother's death, causing hurt feelings among relatives. Hosting is a demanding task and grief can make holiday obligations heavier. Family members on the same side share responsibility for gatherings and can choose to help host or invite relatives. A forthcoming expensive wedding provides an opportunity to welcome the extended family despite per-plate costs, considering the many free meals previously enjoyed. Inviting relatives can prioritize relationships over strict reciprocity.
Hosting is a big job and, even when gladly undertaken, can be challenging. Also, as you noted, things shifted dramatically globally and in her personal world, so holidays may have an added layer of grief. I wouldn't take it personally. Her mother died and she didn't host a huge family dinner; it's not about you. You write that you enjoy showing up and have hurt feelings when she doesn't host, but I don't see mention of things you're doing to gather your family, including her.
Your father's side traditionally hosts, but you're part of your father's side, too. There's an opportunity for you to share responsibility. To that end, this wedding seems like a perfect time to welcome your family with open arms. Yes, adding 12 people is expensive per plate, but how many free plates have you enjoyed over the years? It's not tit for tat, but sometimes if we want to see loved ones, we have to make the invitation.
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