"First, before we say what we want, we have to know what we want - and that's not always as simple as it sounds. Then, we have to take a leap of faith and communicate that to our partner, even if we think they might not like what we have to say. That's not so easy, either; we could hurt a partner's feelings or run up against our own assumptions about what it means to be a "good" partner."
"In a well-functioning relationship, consent is co-created: Both partners play a role by getting in touch with what they want and don't want in the moment, expressing it honestly, and being gentle and curious about what their partner is experiencing in turn. For consent to be truly possible, you need to be able to: Look inside yourself and identify what you truly want, feel, believe, and prefer. Express that honestly to your partner."
Consent requires respecting a partner's 'no' while also depending on internal clarity about desires and limits. People often lack self-knowledge about what they want and may give a surface-level yes to avoid conflict or hurting a partner, which constitutes self-betrayal and undermines relationship safety. Co-created consent involves both partners identifying and honestly expressing momentary wants and limits, and responding with gentleness and curiosity. Effective consent requires looking inward to identify true preferences, communicating them clearly, and offering a soft landing when a partner expresses their truth. Breakdowns in consent reflect failures at different levels of differentiation of self.
Read at Psychology Today
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