"When Nelson Mandela, the first Black president of South Africa, emerged from prison after 27 years, he famously said he couldn't be truly free unless he let go of his hatred for his jailers. You don't have to have been unjustly imprisoned-or to have experienced anything remotely comparable-to know what he meant. Like most adult children with an unloving parent, I was trapped in a relationship with my hyper-critical mother, no matter how far I was from home, in miles or years."
"My executive mother worked longer hours than my father and left my care to a live-in nanny, defining her own role as Fixer-in-Chief. Like anyone who's constantly criticized, I assumed that the problem was with me; if I'd been neater/quicker/prettier, it would have been different. When I was in my 20s, I learned about "projection" and realized that my mother saw in me all the flaws she saw in herself."
Past events cannot be changed, but personal understanding of them can. An unloving or hyper-critical parent can continue to inhabit a child's mind and nervous system long after physical separation or death. Identifying psychological mechanisms such as projection reveals that parental criticism often reflects the parent's own flaws. Intellectual recognition alone rarely suffices to end the internalized voice of criticism. Courage to confront can be blocked by fear of contempt, leaving insecurities to influence other relationships. Emotional liberation requires deeper work: seeing the parent as a complex human being and uncovering reasons behind toxicity can neutralize their power.
Read at Psychology Today
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