"I feel like a hopeless romantic. I am what some people would describe as a lover girl. I am sweet and sensitive, and I enjoy nurturing, helping and catering to my loved ones. What I thought was a beautiful trait in me seems to be my weakness. I often get taken advantage of by my romantic partners. I can't tell if I am too soft or kind, or if I am picking the wrong partners who are just not as loving as me."
"My best girlfriends have been encouraging me to be tougher with the men I date, saying that in their experiences, their nonchalant, stern or even unimpressed demeanors garnered more attention from their suitors. That doesn't feel natural to me. Why do I have to be mean for someone to appreciate my love? Is there a way to still be myself but uphold stronger boundaries?"
"Instead of planning a personality change, which is both extremely hard to accomplish and not how you should live your life, make a list of the traits and behaviors that you appreciate in a partner and those you don't. Be as clear and specific as possible. When you meet potential partners, take your time getting to know them, and be mindful of how they measure up to your list. If they exhibit tendencies to be unkind, manipulative or condescending, move on."
"State who you are and what you are looking for in a relationship up front. You can even explain that you have been hurt in the past, and you want to avoid that now. Moreover, state what you want and see if you can attract that. Obviously, you also need to be clear about your boundaries. You can be nice while saying no when someone attempts to cross a line."
A self-described lover who is sweet, sensitive and nurturing reports being taken advantage of by romantic partners and wonders if she should change. Friends advise a tougher demeanor, but that feels unnatural. The recommended approach is not to change personality but to list desired partner traits and dealbreakers, take time to assess potential partners, and move on from those who are unkind, manipulative or condescending. Communicate who you are and what you want up front, acknowledge past hurts if needed, and enforce clear boundaries while remaining kind. Another correspondent plans to move away from a hometown at age 33 and notes mixed reactions from longtime friends.
Read at www.mercurynews.com
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