"This has been true of every one of the more than 3,000 enrollees in our Love without Hurt boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse. For one partner, fear (of isolation or deprivation) is a core vulnerability, while shame (dread of failure and inadequacy as a partner, provider, lover, or parent) is the core vulnerability of the other. Both vulnerabilities are dreadful to both partners, but they differ in what is most terrible."
"Partners vulnerable to shame, regardless of whether they were betrayed or betrayers, want to move beyond the betrayal as soon as possible, preferably to pretend it never happened. They want to be "born again" with a new "enlightenment" that will render all past mistakes irrelevant: "I once was lost, but now I'm found." For them, living means forgetting. (The root of the word "shame" means "to cover or hide.")"
Empathy in love is identification with a loved one's feelings: "I feel you." A core vulnerability is the emotional state most dreadful to a person and it evokes their strongest defenses. People are rarely aware of core vulnerabilities because they cope through blame, denial, and avoidance. Romantic partners are typically attracted to strengths that compensate for their own weaknesses and rarely share the same core vulnerability. Common core vulnerabilities are fear (fear of isolation or deprivation) and shame (dread of failure and inadequacy). Shame-oriented partners seek to move beyond betrayals by forgetting, while fear-oriented partners focus intensely on exploring and understanding betrayals.
Read at Psychology Today
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