The Saver and Spender in Marriage

"On the surface, it looks like this couple is a gross mismatch, and they often present that way in couple therapy. The saver complains of all the debt the spender has accumulated, and the number of times he or she has bailed the spender out of trouble. The spender in turn becomes defensive, presenting evidence that his or her spending is necessary, not frivolous - some even claim that unlucky circumstances are the culprit."

"Upon deeper investigation, however, this couple is not a mismatch. In fact, they may be quite similar, with the common denominator being shame - that is, the shame that each has experienced growing up in their respective families of origin. Consider the following case example: Partner A is an admitted saver. He grew up in a house that emphasized earning and saving and anything less was met with open hostility from his parents who lived through The Great Depression."

Saver-spender conflicts often manifest as a control struggle where the saver seeks financial responsibility and the spender seeks freedom and acceptance. The saver focuses on debt, frugality, and bailing out consequences, while the spender defends purchases as necessary, sometimes blaming circumstances. The dynamic can mirror a parent/saver–child/spender relationship. The apparent mismatch can conceal a shared underlying emotion: shame. Each partner may carry family-of-origin shame about money that shapes attitudes and behaviors. Addressing shame and family patterns can reframe financial conflict and reduce blame between partners.

Read at Psychology Today