How Do I Become the Real Me?

"The singularly most important question we will ever ask is, "Who am I?" Generally speaking, we are not taught how to answer that question. We don't commonly even ask it. That is, until we reach a place where we are screaming into the abyss, waiting for the sound of an echo. And then, we want to know. But do we have to get to the edge of the abyss before we can even think of asking that question?"

"Before we get to those terrible places, we most commonly define ourselves by the mirrors we see from the external world. We see ourselves first in our parents' eyes, then siblings, and extended family. Then, in the eyes of our peers, our teachers, and other authority figures. Somewhere in there, we also begin to see ourselves through social media. And we are looking at other people's observations, opinions, perceptions,"

"Even in the case, used here only as an example, of the child who internalizes a rebel identity. Some think this guy is just a bad seed. We say he's "out of control." He's just trying to embarrass his parents. He's just a "strong-willed child." He's just a "difficult child." If none of that is true, then who is he really?"

"We are being looked at. And we are looking at other people's observations, opinions, perceptions, and misperceptions as if they are a mirror image of who we are. We have internalized other people's ideas of who we are, and we believe that they define us. These internalizations feel very real, and so we just become that reversed image of who we really are."

The question "Who am I?" is rarely taught or asked until severe crisis prompts urgent self-inquiry. People typically form identities from external mirrors: parents, family, peers, teachers, authority figures, and social media. External observations, opinions, perceptions, and misperceptions are internalized and treated as a defining self-image. These internalizations often create a laterally reversed version of true selfhood that feels real. Children can adopt roles required by their family system, such as a rebel identity, which obscures their authentic needs and nature. Authentic self-discovery requires moving beyond external mirrors toward inner exploration.

Read at Psychology Today