Research on parentification - the process where children are forced into adult emotional roles - shows that many of the people we admire for their composure developed it as a survival mechanism. They weren't born calm. They were made calm, usually by environments where someone's emotional dysregulation demanded that a child become the steady one.
Many people come into therapy with a desire to talk about the present: the promotion they didn't get, the stress they feel as parents, their frustration with that friend they can't stand but are still keeping around. But mostly, they want to talk about their relationships. What's wrong with them, how to make them better, confirmation that they are in fact not crazy and that it really isn't a lot to ask of their partner to do ( insert task here).
A common misconception is that people who remain in toxic or abusive relationships are weak, dependent, or oblivious to the harm. In reality, many people who struggle to break free from relationships that are no longer working are intelligent, capable, high-functioning, and empathic. They see the dysfunction clearly and can even articulate what is wrong, and yet they struggle to leave, get frustrated with themselves, and do not understand why that is.
Though sung in her typical tongue-in-cheek style, Sabrina Carpenter's new hit song 'Manchild' is revealing-and not in the way you might think. At one point, she insists that she isn't choosing these emotionally inept men-they choose her. While the song is funny and upbeat, there's something else there that's being articulated. The need for control, order, and a sense of helplessness when you find yourself with the same type of partner over and over again is something many of us can relate to.
