When desire fades or the bedroom grows silent, we often point to the surface- boredom, stress, a lack of spark. But let me tell you, sexual problems are rarely about sex alone. Sometimes, they're about unresolved trauma -a quiet force that shapes how we love, touch, and connect. It's the shadow we don't see, but it moves us all the same. It makes decisions for us that we're not aware of.
Why pressure shuts desire down Sex research consistently shows that desire does not thrive under expectation. In fact, pressure activates the very system designed to suppress sexual response. The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response (Bancroft & Janssen, 2007) explains that our sexual experience is controlled by two competing systems: one that activates arousal, and one that inhibits it. Sex therapist and researcher Emily Nagoski describes these simply as our "accelerators" and our "brakes".
Heather, a 40-year-old woman from the US, describes this tension as leaving her feeling "empty, sad, and temporarily empowered, but always craving more." When engaging in casual sex, she regularly tried to turn off her emotions, which felt like "cutting off a part" of herself. Her description of the negative side of hookup culture is consistent with a little-researched condition called postcoital dysphoria (PCD), where people report negative emotions like tearfulness, sadness, or irritability after sex.
it's normal for one's sexual desire to wane after one or two years of dating, said Andrea Seiferth, a psychologist who works as a couple's therapist in Hamburg. A cocktail of hormones plays a big role in this , said Seiferth. They increase our sex drive at the start of a relationship but as relationships progress, a hormone called oxytocin, which fosters social bonding, becomes more pronounced.
A previous post summarized the many myths about desire differences and the sex- therapy approach to resolving them-using either self-help or professional therapy. The sex-therapy program helps many couples-but not all. Recently, Canadian researchers reported an effective new approach, eight weeks of group therapy that produced significant benefits. It's based on reimagining lovemaking to facilitate sex worth wanting. What if Low Desire Is a Reasonable Response to Lackluster Sex?
Are you a new parent? Among the countless changes you're experiencing right now, are your relationship with your partner and your sex life among them? If you're finding that your emotional and physical experiences in your relationship aren't what they were before you stepped into the world of parenting, research shows you're definitely not alone. In a study that was just published, a team of relationship scientists cited relevant research on the slide a lot of parents face in their dynamic and sex life
Mismatched libidos in marriage are common, leading to frustration and resentment, but these differences can deepen connections if handled with compassion and communication.
