Miss Manners: She commandeers my kitchen to prepare the simplest potluck item

"I am the last hostess standing in my family and an associated circle of older friends. Everyone else has a reason why folks cannot gather at their house. I welcome their offers to bring something because I cannot manage holiday meals and birthday celebrations without help. I've gotten quite good at suggesting what to bring. I have one relative who insists on doing preparation in my kitchen immediately before the meal instead of bringing a completed dish."

"I swear, if I asked her to bring salt, she would need 3 feet of counter space and 30 minutes to assemble an heirloom salt grinder first. She'd also need two people to assist, and she'd complain I don't have salt spoons. Is it OK to ask her to do the dishes instead? GENTLE READER: Not really. But how about drinks? Preferably ones in closed containers that do not require mixing, shaking or decanting."

"When we are finished eating and are just sitting around the table talking, she will suddenly jump up without warning and say she has to go. It's always so sudden and so jarring. She never does it when it's just the two of us, and I'd gently let her know of my displeasure if she did. Any suggestions on how I might deal with this discourteous behavior? Or is this just something I must silently and sullenly abide?"

A longtime hostess depends on guests to bring finished dishes but faces a relative who insists on last-minute preparation in the host's kitchen, consuming space, time and assistance; a practical compromise is to request drinks in closed, ready-to-serve containers. A diner experiences a friend who abruptly leaves group conversations without warning; mirroring the abruptness with concerned questions can prompt explanation and discourage sudden departures. An event invitation asks attendees to bring their own plate, silverware and beverage container to reduce environmental impact and simplify cleanup. Practical expectations and direct, polite responses preserve hospitality and reduce host stress.

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