The article explores the author's lifelong battle with calorie counting and restrictive eating, which worsened during the pandemic. Despite global chaos, her fixation on weight and food rules persisted, leading to extreme anxiety over food choices and personal worth. The author reveals how her eating disorder consumed her thoughts and affected her life decisions, reflecting on societal pressures and the internal conflicts surrounding body image. As she grapples with her relationship to food in a turbulent time, she reminisces about fantasies of illness as a means to control her weight.
Even during the apocalypse, I was calorie counting. My anxiety and memories of food rules made me feel bad about carbohydrates while the world crumbled.
Despite the chaos of the pandemic, my fixation on diet remained. I found myself sneaking food, then weighed myself immediately after, full of anxiety.
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