Are You a Fixer, Fighter, or Freezer? Dr. Shefali on the Parenting Patterns We Inherit

"Shefali said that "fixers" are parents who rush in to solve problems, smooth things over, and rescue everyone around them. While the behavior may seem caring on the surface, she said it can leave parents emotionally drained while teaching children to rely on someone else to manage discomfort, frustration, or stress."

"She also described the "fighter" as someone who reacts to stress by lashing out or losing their temper because that behavior was normalized growing up. "So if you observe your parents kind of lose it over, you know, you lost your backpack, or you misplaced the keys, somewhere you will adopt that ego pattern yourself of the fighter," Shefali said."

"At the same time, Dylan said she also identified with being a "freezer," which Shefali described as someone who emotionally checks out once stress becomes overwhelming. "There are times where I am maxed out," Dylan said. "I can't solve one more thing today. I can't do one more task.""

"Dr. Shefali Tsabary - who is widely known professionally as Dr. Shefali - wants parents to rethink the ways their own childhoods shape how they raise their kids. During a recent episode of Dylan Dreyer's podcast, "The Parent Chat," the clinical psychologist explained her theory that many adults unconsciously repeat emotional patterns absorbed growing up, unless they actively stop to examine them."

Many adults repeat emotional patterns learned in childhood unless they examine them. These patterns can appear as a “fixer,” who rushes in to solve problems, smooth things over, and rescue others, which can drain the parent and teach children to rely on someone else to manage discomfort. Another pattern is a “fighter,” who reacts to stress by lashing out or losing temper because that behavior was normalized earlier. A third pattern is a “freezer,” who emotionally checks out when stress becomes overwhelming. These reactions often come from earlier learned responses rather than sudden choices, and recognizing them supports change in parenting.

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