The Hidden Reason Anxious Kids Say "No" to Everything

"What you see as "no big deal" is very different from what your child experiences due to their overthinking. In their anxious minds, the word "No" is a safe way to protect them from feeling overwhelmed by choices. To be more specific, kids who get sucked into the vortex of overthinking rapidly start asking themselves self-defeating questions such as: "What if I can't handle that?" "What if I mess up?" "I'm freaking out." Sadly, the safest space is doing nothing."

"Behind this single word from your child or teen is often their mind working overtime. Parents often assume that their child is just being difficult when they resist doing things. This could mean kids refusing to discuss issues that bother them, to meet with friends, to be included in a group photo, or to attend an after-school or weekend activity. Certainly very frustrating for the parent. At the same time, your child has big feelings about these "being encouraged, told" situations as well. Their consequent "pushbacks" are, surprisingly, often not due to the usual suspects, such as stubbornness, defiance, or a desire to create drama. Rather, the underlying culprit is often overthinking."

"The kids who see me in my practice often reveal that, in many cases, they secretly want to say, "Yes." Or they acknowledged to me that, in most cases, they felt better after doing what they initially resisted."

Overthinking makes choices feel like threats for anxious children, prompting an automatic "No" to avoid overwhelm. Parents frequently misread refusals as stubbornness, defiance, or attention-seeking rather than anxiety-driven protection. Overthinking leads children to ask self-defeating questions like "What if I can't handle that?" or "What if I mess up?", making inaction seem safest. Saying "No" functions as emotional regulation to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Many children secretly want to agree and often feel better after participating, but willingness typically returns only once the overthinking quiets down.

Read at Psychology Today