The Role of Perfectionism in Pathological Demand Avoidance

"In the classic film Citizen Kane, Jedediah Leland, confronting Kane, remarked, "You don't care about anything except you. You just want to persuade people that you love 'em so much that they ought to love you back. Only you want love on your own terms. Something to be played your way, according to your rules." This way of being applies to many perfectionists, especially those of the "other-oriented" type, who often reject any relationship that demands anything of them and that they can't fully control."

"To the outsider, it tends to make little sense because these individuals often balk at insignificant expectations. However, to the perfectionist, these requests often signify exorbitant and even deeper expectations, the prospect of revealing deep-seated flaws, and a total loss of control. Requests may foster black and white thinking, catastrophic thinking, mind reading, mental filtering, personalizing, and the distortion of disqualifying the positive. Few aspects of their lives, it feels, are insignificant. Thus, requests aren't mere requests; they're indictments or their precursors."

Pathological demand avoidance involves extreme resistance to even minor requests. Perfectionists frequently personalize demands, construing them as evidence of exorbitant expectations, potential exposure of flaws, or loss of control. Those interpretations trigger cognitive distortions such as black-and-white thinking, catastrophic thinking, mind reading, mental filtering, personalizing, and disqualifying the positive. Many perfectionists, including some on the autism spectrum, reject relationships that require unpredictable demands or ceding control. Underlying chronic defiance often reflects a binary belief of being either in control or controlled, or perfect versus flawed. Some perfectionists seek love that remains entirely within their control.

Read at Psychology Today