#history-of-etiquette

#history-of-etiquette

Is it cold in your house? This was revolutionary. I've been freezing in so many homes, but it had never occurred to me to make temperature inquiries in advance so I could wear a thicker jumper or thermals. Even if I'd had the idea, I probably wouldn't have followed through for fear of appearing rude, preferring instead to slowly lose the feeling in my toes. But here was proof that, for a host, this kind of query is welcome after all, most people want their guests to be comfortable and have a nice time.

Not every conversation with AI ends in the same place. Some end where they began: I arrive with an idea, the machine agrees, I leave satisfied. No disagreements, plenty of praise. What a delightful conversation. Others end in territory I didn't know existed. I leave with doubts that weren't there when I entered. The difference between these two outcomes is rarely about the tool. It's about the level of awareness I bring into the conversation and the question I decide to ask.

Visiting France is often associated with great food, beautiful cities, and a strong sense of style. But what many travelers discover quickly is that daily life in France is guided by a set of unwritten etiquette rules. These rules are not about being overly polite or friendly at all costs. They are about showing respect for others, for shared spaces, and for social boundaries.

Last month, I found myself at a friend's dinner table, surrounded by strangers. What started as polite small talk about the weather quickly evolved into a fascinating discussion about urban development, the role of art in society, and how different countries approach healthcare. Three hours flew by. Walking home that night, I realized something. The people who seemed most at ease weren't necessarily the ones with the most degrees or the fanciest job titles.

Surely you must have been wide awake enough to notice that the person who delivered your peanuts on an airplane was sometimes male, and that another male sometimes took your order at the local eatery. Yes, various jobs are no longer gender-specific. Miss Manners would be sorry to think that retirement had left you oblivious to the dynamics of life, which, indeed, lexicographers must follow. You may not always like the way the world evolves, but to deny it is to condemn yourself to social stagnation.

My friend recently attended a funeral, and midway through the eulogy, he became convinced that it had been written by AI. There was the telltale proliferation of abstract nouns, a surfeit of assertions that the deceased was "not just X-he was Y" coupled with a lack of concrete anecdotes, and more appearances of the word collaborate than you would expect from a rec-league hockey teammate.

Well, there are traditional dinner parties, where the host supplies the meal and the guests may or may not bring little presents sometimes food treats to be used at the discretion of the host. And then there are cooperative dinners, where each person brings part of the meal. This sounds more like a food fight. Rather than trying to please the host, the guest planned a hostile takeover.

I used to think it was just good manners drilled in by strict parents, but after interviewing behavioral researchers for a recent piece on social dynamics, I've discovered there's something much deeper at play here. This seemingly small gesture-waiting for others before diving into your meal-actually reveals a fascinating cluster of personality traits that psychologists link to both personal and professional success. The research suggests these patient diners aren't just being polite; they're demonstrating qualities that make them exceptionally good friends, partners, and colleagues.

You get a coffee. The barista tells you how much you need to pay. You say thank you. They take your card for payment. They say thank you. They give you the coffee. You say thank you. They say thank you for your thank you. Then you say thank you for their thank you. By this point, the words thank you have lost all meaning, and both parties are exhausted by the pointless stream of politeness.

It perplexes Miss Manners how many people adore Les Miserables without being upset by its central accusation: that it is the rankest hypocrisy for society to equate serving one's time with forgiveness. But even if society were genuinely forgiving, there are many types of serious crimes. Being forgiven by society and being forgiven by one's victims are different matters. It is a simple matter to preserve your dignity with former victims of your husband's crime who now wish to maintain their distance: Respect that wish.

Ever notice how some people automatically push their chair back in after standing up from a table, while others just walk away without a second thought? I started paying attention to this after interviewing a startup founder who meticulously tucked in every chair in the conference room after our meeting ended. It got me thinking about what this simple gesture reveals about someone's character.

Forcing people who work for you to give you and others presents is unethical. Appeal to your colleague's better instincts as an educator and discourage this practice immediately. As you are a colleague and not a subordinate, you are in a position to be able to appeal to this person's sense of equity.

After I had checked out and said my goodbyes, I walked through the gate to catch my ride to the airport. This volunteer then blocked my way and cornered me. She went on a yelling, screaming rant, saying that I hadn't left my private room (which I paid $100/night for) clean enough for her liking, and that it's not her job to clean up after me.