Many people come to therapy with a goal to work on communication, especially with a partner. The problem, as many see it, is "poor communication," and the goal is to have "better communication." Poor communication can mean a lot of things, including ongoing and repeated conflicts, trouble expressing what we want or need, and avoidant tendencies. Therapy can work out a number of these issues. Understanding our cycle of conflict can create quicker off-ramps to repair.
Attachment theory was developed by psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby throughout the 1950s. He observed that children form an internal working model of relationships based on early attachment experiences with their primary caregiver and the latter's availability and responsiveness. Bowlby theorized that attachment behaviors are instinctual and evolved to promote the survival of infants. Disruptions in early attachments (like separation, neglect, or abuse) can make it difficult for a child to feel safe, seen, or soothed in relationships.
We try to understand and grow it, but many of us cannot. This is not because we are damaged or less than. It is because our body feels unsafe. This is especially true for self-kindness, which is one of the domains of self-compassion. Offering ourselves kindness when our internal systems feel stretched out, out of control, and unworthy is simply not a possibility for most of us at this stage.
Many people come into therapy with a desire to talk about the present: the promotion they didn't get, the stress they feel as parents, their frustration with that friend they can't stand but are still keeping around. But mostly, they want to talk about their relationships. What's wrong with them, how to make them better, confirmation that they are in fact not crazy and that it really isn't a lot to ask of their partner to do ( insert task here).
Relationships can feel like both a blessing and the bane of your existence, a source of joy and a source of frustration or resentment. At some point, each of us is faced with a clingy child, a dramatic friend, a partner who recoils at the first hint of intimacy, a volatile parent, or a controlling boss - in short, a difficult relationship.
But what happens when the parent is the source of the fear? That's the paradox at the heart of disorganized attachment. The very person who should be a safe harbor becomes, unpredictably, a source of alarm. For example, a mother lost in her own grief for years, staring through her infant with a trance-like look. Or a father, struggling with depression, jerks away when his toddler reaches for a hug, because he has no energy for hugging.
"I think I'm in love...," my client says, referring to her newly discovered relationship with ChatGPT. "I've never felt so seen, so understood." This particular person has been in a secure, nurturing marriage for many years, but something about her exchanges with artificial intelligence (AI) feels awakening and ideal, like no relationship has before. "I can say anything, and it never gets defensive. It just... listens. And reminds me that I'm there."
Adult attachment styles are derived from the work of John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, and other researchers throughout the 1960s-90s who identified distinct patterns of emotional responses in babies to their mothers when the latter left and returned to a room. These patterns were categorized into infant attachment styles (secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-resistant; later, disorganized) that were subsequently developed and refined into adult attachment styles.
For many of us, especially those with anxious attachment patterns that were formed in early childhood, a pause in connection can feel like abandonment - not because it's the reality of the situation, but because it reminds us of old feelings and stories.
"I want to live a life I'm not disturbed by." It was an intense session with a new client, a 30-something single mother baffled by a long and winding trail of chaotic relationships-from partners whose fingers kept sneaking back to dating apps, to outbursts of rage toward those she loved most, often triggered by something trivial. A kind, intelligent woman with gentle eyes and a warm demeanor,
We've all had rough days when nothing goes right, and we think, "Why does this always happen to me?" That thought feels awful, but oddly comforting. Self-pity is an emotional state we love to hate. We know that it stalls growth and recognize that it doesn't make us more likable, and yet many of us find ourselves stuck in its grip. Here are six reasons that help explain why it develops and why it's so hard to overcome.
A huge mistake we make in love relationships is assuming that events and behaviors mean (or should mean) the same to both partners. Behaviors and events rarely mean the same to partners, who almost invariably differ in: Temperament Metabolism Hormonal levels Core vulnerability Family history Life experiences Developmental trajectory (matured at different stages) All of the above influence the meaning we give to events and behaviors.
