On this episode: Lucy Lopez, Elizabeth Newcamp, and Zak Rosen get into a listener's question about whether or not to gift a gaming counsel to their college kid. They bought the gift when the kid was doing well in school, but now they're struggling again. Should that matter? But first, they share their latest triumphs and fails. Elizabeth is in her Worm Era and explains the wonders of vermicomposting.
My father was a petroleum geologist. A lot of my childhood, he was gone, away on oil rigs in the Powder River Basin and remote parts of Wyoming, living in man camps long before cellphones. We had to wait days to talk to him. When he went into the nearest town to shower, he'd find a payphone and call us. I was always breathless with news.
Even if a child seems relatively happy, that can lead any parent to be concerned that there is a problem - or else why would they be evasive? On the other hand, our teen patients tell us about how they try to avoid long car rides with their parents because it is inevitably seen by the parent as an opportunity to ask a lot of questions.
Many of the parents felt that their way of doing presents wasn't working. Their children were disappointed, overwhelmed, or both. One mother described it this way: "Everybody opened everything all at once. It was chaos. I had a headache." The second topic was relatives: When they came, how long they stayed, and how many presents they gave. One mother with three small children had tried to control the overwhelm by having everyone come to her house instead of having to travel. That too was chaos.
I was delighted when I saw an Evite in my inbox from a mom inviting him to a classmate's 6th birthday party. The little boy's name was Nathan. The event took place at a retro slot-car raceway, where you raced tiny, electric-powered replicas of full-size cars on narrow tracks with "grooves," known as "slots." Neither of us had been to one before, and we were excited to accept the invitation.
For a long time, I'd been living that sentence. Even there, amid the music and magic, my brain replayed its familiar loop: You could have done more. Planned better. Been better. I had done everything to make this trip perfect: the color-coordinated outfits, the matching Mickey ears, the surprise treats, the sparkly magic I wanted my girls to remember. But as fireworks lit up the castle, all I could see were the cracks.
He kept repeating himself until I finally said, "We are done arguing, just drop it." To which he retorted, "You just drop it!" I then asked him to go anywhere in the house besides the kitchen because he was still talking about it after I asked him to stop. (I couldn't leave, I was helping his sitter get a snack, and doing dishes.) He then yelled at me, "You leave! Why do I have to leave if you're the one with the problem?"
I am at the end of my tether with my three children. They are eight, 11 and 13 and every morning it is a giant battle to get them up out of bed and ready for school. I have tried everything - I have their clothes laid out, their breakfast on the table, their bags packed and their lunches made.
I wanted to help her sleep soundly in her new "big girl" bed. But once she did, I didn't expect my own sleep to continue to be disrupted as well. I woke up at every creak of the house, wondering if it was my daughter roaming around, exploring her newfound freedom. I knew it was incredibly unlikely, but I feared that she would unlock the door and walk outside in the middle of the night.
I never speak negatively about my body or my appearance in general when talking with my 9-year-old daughter. I am trying to model positive body image, self-esteem, and self-love for her. When I was growing up, my mother was always very self-critical, self-conscious, constantly complaining about her body and her flaws, and I had to work pretty hard to undo her negative programming.
I wouldn't have to answer to anyone or for anything. Not requests for snacks or one more backrub. I wouldn't have to sit rigid, wondering if one of my three kids was creeping out of a bed that wasn't theirs. Or defend my parenting style while my oldest yelled about how life wasn't fair and we must all really hate him,
They want my husband to act like he did when he was 21, single, and broke, when he was living on their sofa and joining them for partying. They blame me for the change in his priorities rather than realizing he simply grew up, and they often try to put a wedge in our relationship, like they did when they were in town this weekend.
When I had kids, I tried pretty hard to stick to their regular nap schedule, because skipping sleep could cause days of chaos. But my mom would always argue that in the 80s, she would always just make naps work whenever and whenever it was convenient. Whether that's really how she did things, or whether she is suffering from a big case of gramnesia, I'm not sure.
He said it would not even be wise to share something like that with your spouse. Now she thinks less of you, and she always will. She's not going to be able to get that out of her head, Walsh said. She might pretend to be sympathetic, or maybe she won't even pretend. What do you want? She's gonna pat you on the head? He continued, She's going to think less of you, and the same goes for anyone you divulge this information to.
The worst offenders, though, are the goody bags. This year, my kids received them at Valentine's Day, Ramadan, Easter, Halloween, and many birthday parties. Every time they bring one home, they dump its contents on the living-room floor and pick through their treasures with glee. But soon enough, the tiny fire truck has lost its wheels and a fight has broken out over whose Care Bears keychain is cooler, though neither of my children has ever owned a key.
Before kids, birthday parties were all about cake, music, and general merriment. After kids, it's about cake, music, and the ever-complicated dynamics of kid friendships and invitation discourse. Who do you invite? Who gets left out? Do you skip the whole party thing and do a "Yes Day" or a trip? There are so many things to consider when it comes to throwing a kid's birthday party, so what do you do when you're also in the midst of a complicated situation as a potential guest?
It was 6am. London. A few days before Christmas. My four-year-old is singing at the top of her lungs and charging around my parents' house on a hunt for the perfect crayon. There is nothing particularly unusual about this scene except for the fact that the crayon in question was for Greta Thunberg. The world's most well-known activist needed a writing tool and my daughter, O, was on the case.
The questions usually come after the lights are off - innocent, unplanned, impossible. It was the night of my 39th birthday, and I was lying in the dark beside my 4-year-old son, watching him as he drifted toward sleep. I know he's close when he rests his right cheek on the pillow, facing away from me, his body finally slowing down.
It's not just what we say to them directly that they're absorbing; it's how we talk about ourselves and others, what we say to others about them and how we behave, too. We asked experts what sorts of things children pick up on that adults don't always realize they're noticing. This list isn't designed to be judgmental; rather, it's a reminder that we can all bring a little more awareness to our day-to-day interactions.
Don't worry yourself too much about this. Your kids will spend a limited amount of time at the same wedding festivities as your sister, and you will be there to supervise their interactions. Give her an opportunity to meet them and if she does or says anything inappropriate, keep them distanced from her for the remainder of the celebration. If she charms your kids and they ask about spending more time with her,
Every year, I leave my home - and my kids - behind for a short time to travel to Japan alone. The distance, both geographic and cultural, gives me enough space and time to live authentically: to be the curious explorer, the immersion-based language learner, and the person I am apart from being "Mom." As an introverted parent, these solo trips aren't just a luxury - they're fundamental to my well-being and actually help me be a better mother.
Annie Ernaux, winner of the 2022 Nobel Prize in Literature, begins her memoir, The Other Girl, written in the form of a letter, with a description of a photograph of an infant in an embroidered dress. The description ends with these startling words: "When I was little, I believe-I must have been told-that the baby was me. It isn't me, it's you." (Italics mine.) 1
A spoiled kid is one who thinks and acts like the world revolves around them. They're used to getting what they want, when they want it - and if they don't, they'll throw a fit until they do. They show little to no appreciation for what they have and expect others to cater to them, often without contributing anything in return.
