I didn't have words for it back then, but the feeling was clear: if I stood out, something was wrong with me. And if something was wrong with me, I wasn't good enough. I remember standing there, already tense, afraid that the other kids would think I looked stupid. Afraid they wouldn't want to play with me. Afraid that being different, even in something small, would mean I didn't belong.
In March I started experiencing excruciating pain in my right arm and shoulder burning, zapping, energy-sapping pain that left me unable to think straight, emanating from a nexus of torment behind my shoulder blade and sometimes stretching all the way up to the base of my skull and all the way down into my fingers. Typing was agony, but everything was painful; even at rest it was horrible.
Leaving my hometown was another part of my letting go of my daughter, a process I began the day that I put her in the arms of her new parents. Seeing 6-month-old Hanna reach for her adoptive mother had helped to convince me that everything was as it should be - as it was supposed to be. Our connection had been severed. It was time for me to move on. We were now both free to live the rest of our lives.
Shadowloss describes the grief we carry in our day-to-day lives that we often don't share with others. It reminds us that the physical death of a loved one is not the only kind of loss. We may experience grief when we lose a job, a relationship, or a way of life; when we experience a health challenge; or when we must give up on a dream.
Consistently, for the last 10 years, my catchphrase has been "next week it'll all calm down". Usually by the Wednesday of any given week, I'll have uttered it with palpable desperation at least four times. And my goal for this elusive calm week isn't even that ambitious, all I want is to finally feel caught up with myself. To feel, even if only for a fleeting moment, like I am on top of things.
Halloween is the perfect opportunity to think about the dichotomies inherent in the human condition. While its origins are murky, it appears to have evolved from ancient Celtic celebrations centered on the change of seasons and superstitious beliefs about evil spirits and death. During the Middle Ages, the Catholic Church attempted to replace this pagan holiday with All Souls Day, dedicated to honoring saints and the dead.
I'm chatting to the man who fixes our lawnmowers in Tallanstown, Co Louth. Monaghan is only a few fields away and everyone comes to Denis Smyth - from there, from Ardee, from Louth village and Knockbridge and other such unshowy places - for a chat and a service. I realise a few minutes in that we're both cursing a lot.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed right now? We are all feeling it lately, personally and collectively as a society. You may be absorbing not only your own stress, but stress from those around you, as well as national stress. The world - and maybe your life - feels like it's turned upside down and may not seem like it makes sense anymore.
